All Black Women Are Golddiggers

So the past few months, I have been coming across Black men who believe certain notions about Black women are factual. One of those notions is, “All Black women are gold-diggers.” There are plenty more stereotypes they label us with. But I will tell you about two different situations with two different men who say we are gold-diggers.

Situation One

Some time ago, I met this guy on a dating site I used to go on. He had in his profile “no Black women.” I wrote to him anyway. We had a simple conversation, and then I asked him why he does not like Black women. Note, I did not approach him out of anger because I was not mad, and I am still not mad. I was curious about why this beautiful Black man refused to date a beautiful Black woman. But I had an idea. 

We conversed back and forth for some time. He opened up and shared that he didn’t have any pleasant experiences with Black women. I asked him, “What type of woman did YOU pick?” He told me “They were ALL ghetto.” I then asked him, “Why did YOU pick all ghetto Black women.” He explained to me he was merely young, and he made poor decisions.

Situation Two

The next guy I also conversed with online. I listened to one of TD Jakes powerful messages on YouTube about men. He gave noteworthy points about why some men do not express how they feel or why they have a hard time expressing their emotions. He also pointed out men are more likely to commit suicide than women, which is one reason I advocate for men. 

Anyway, in the comment section, a man said he wanted his wife to listen to the sermon, but she didn’t want to. He also noted that she only seemed to care about her issues and shopping/spending money. Another man replied to his comment. He said, “Damn, it sounds like my CURRENT girl and ALL my ex’s.” I responded and said, “Your current girlfriend and all your exes? Sounds like you have a cycle you need to break.” He responded, “Not at all. It’s a mindset ALL women have, particularly Black women. Unfortunately, it’s not the same.”

But There’s More…

These are only two recent examples of men sharing their opinions of all Black women. But I have met so many Black men in school, church, work, etc. who share the same sentiments. I was even friends with a few! 

One of my Black male coworkers actually made a sexual advantage towards me. He and I were cool, but not that cool. When it was obvious I felt disrespected, he apologized and then proceeded to tell me he doesn’t even like Black women. My thoughts were why are you coming at me sexually if you dislike Black women?! Is that all you think we are good for? 

I also once saw a Black man I knew from church share a meme that said, “Women are like jelly beans. All of them are good except the black ones.” It’s unfortunate and hurtful to witness Black men speak so poorly about Black women this way. But what I have noticed about many of them is they dislike Black women because of a poor decision THEY have made. 

So you mean to tell me since YOU made multiple poor decisions to mess with the same type of woman we all have to pay for it? And you have to disrespect all of us? No, sir, you decided to live in a toxic cycle instead of breaking it. If ALL your relationships have been the same, you are the only common denominator. You cannot blame all Black women. It is you.

Confronting My Faults and Breaking My Cycle

I was once in a series of relationships or friendships that were unhealthy. Many people took advantage or attempted to take advantage of my kindness, and most of them were Black men. I did not blame Black men. Although I was angry with them, I needed to change my perspective of my situation. 

The solution was not for me to believe and say things like “All men are dogs” or “Black men ain’t shit.” My solution to my problem was to first understand why I was in a cycle of unhealthy relationships. No one goes out seeking people who take advantage of them, but I merely came across those types of people. I had to ask myself why do I keep befriending these types of people because I was the ONLY common denominator in the series of unsuccessful relationships/friendships that I had. 

Soon I learned it was just life giving me an opportunity to grow. It was God trying to bring something out of me. I needed to learn to set boundaries and not allow people to cross them, and I needed to learn to be okay with being alone. I had to recognize my value, and now I would rather be alone than be in a toxic relationship or friendship. Maybe that is what some of you have to learn as well, and that is just one example. 

Perhaps you need to learn better habits when choosing someone to be with. Maybe you need higher expectations, and perhaps you need to stop looking for the type of relationships or women you see on reality TV. 

I once had a Black male friend who told me he wanted a woman like the women he saw on the TV show The Bad Girls Club. He loved Black women who loved to fight when there was a problem. Later on, he would call me complaining about how he and his girlfriend, the mother of his child, could not communicate effectively because all she wanted to do was fight or argue. Yeah, that made a lot of sense, but what was he expecting? 

The point is, some Black men are dating toxic Black women because something within themselves compels them to be drawn to that particular type of woman. Then they blame all of us for their mistakes. The man from the dating site said he chose a ghetto Black woman and did not have a positive experience. They broke up and his solution was to choose another ghetto Black woman, hoping it would be different, but only to receive the same results. 

The man from YouTube said his current girlfriend and ALL his ex-girlfriends were selfish and only cared about shopping/spending money. That’s plural! You mean to tell me you keep meeting the same type of women who are giving you the same red flags, and you allow the relationship to go as far as calling her your girlfriend? 

You are selling yourself short if you are living like this. After I learned my lesson, I no longer have the problem of having someone take advantage of me. I recognize the signs and I do not ignore the red flags. Again, I would rather be alone than deal with that class of toxic behavior. 

The point I am making is to stop blaming Black women. Yes, some of us are toxic, but just because you have only experienced toxic relationships with Black women does not mean we are all toxic. It also does not mean we were the toxic ones in the relationship! Maybe that Black woman did her best to push you to grow, but your relationship stayed stagnant because you were unwilling to grow. You merely mistook her pushing you as nagging, or perhaps her standards were too high for you to reach, and you mistook her loving herself as being “bougie” or “full of herself.” Whether you were the toxic person or she was, the point is there are toxic people in every race. You cannot blame Black women. At some point, you have to grow and hold yourself accountable and make better decisions.

Do me a favor, hold up your hand, and make your index finger and your thumb meet. Now slightly pull them apart, slightly. You should now see a tiny gap between your index finger and your thumb. That is how significant your personal experience is compared to the world. Your truth is not the absolute truth, so stop saying “All Black women” because it’s only all Black women you have encountered or chose to encounter. 

I understand and know what it is like meeting the same type of people. Sadly, that can happen in multiple situations. You can meet several people who can give the perception that every person like them or that looks like them are the same. We may encounter many people stereotyping Blacks, Mexicans, Muslims, etc. Black men, you do not like it when some people say you are all “thugs.” It is an ignorant interpretation of a Black man, so those of you who have your certain absolute truths about Black women, stop. You are only hurting us, including yourself.

To my Beautiful Black Women

This message will go across so many of our beautiful Black brothers’ heads. Therefore, stop getting so upset when a Black man says things like we’re all gold-diggers and only good for sex. Stop attacking him in the comment sections. Stop arguing with him and stop trying to prove your worth to him. 

I get it. I used to get upset when I witnessed or experienced this type of behavior from Black men. But I also have to hold up my thumb and index finger and realize my experience is only so big compared to the entire world. There are beautiful Black men out there that respect me/us. And I can now address this out of love. 

I took the opportunity to apologize to the man I met on the dating site for the hurt he had endured and encouraged healing. I also took the time to listen to him and understand why he didn’t like Black women, even though he had a part in the situation. Our conversation ended with me encouraging him to grow and hold himself accountable.

Most of us have had some rough experiences in life. Some of it was out of our control, and some of it was due to the poor decisions we made. For some of us, it’s easier to blame others. It takes a while for us to take responsibility for our part in the matter. Honestly, some of us may never take responsibility and hold ourselves accountable. Therefore, don’t waste your energy getting upset over someone who would rather blame others than take responsibility for their actions. When you stop wasting energy on those types of Black men, you’ll begin to notice the good ones out there. You do not have to prove your worth to them. They are already aware of it. (:

One final note, although I addressed men in this post, this can be applied to Black women as well. Some of us are guilty of holding false “absolute truths” over Black men’s heads. Just hold up your thumb and index finger. There are good ones out there. I love you, my beautiful Black people. Let us love each other and let us take the time to heal.