To continue my series on emotions, I have addressed specific emotions we may feel when we discontinue a romantic relationship with someone. If you have not read part one or two of my emotions series, I encourage you to do so before you read this post. If you are all caught up, here are a few tips to help you cope when dealing with your emotions after a break-up.
Allow Yourself to Feel
Sometimes after a break-up, we do not give ourselves time to feel because we are afraid of our feelings. We try to move on from that relationship and find someone new. The only problem with moving on without allowing yourself to process your feelings and heal, is you take your wounds into your next relationship. Save yourself and the next person you meet time by allowing yourself to feel. Deal with whatever emotions come up. You may feel embarrassed, pain, anger, betrayal, guilt, shame, etc. These are all natural and common responses to a break-up.
Forgive
Facing your feelings can be hard. As mentioned, you may feel embarrassed, pain, anger, betrayal, guilt, shame, etc. These are common emotions people can experience after a break-up. But if you ignore the side of you that holds all of your emotions, your soul, you ignore a very important part of you that God created. That part of you is meant to evolve. You are to grow from your relationships, but if you decide not to deal with your emotions and not to grow, your emotions will evolve into something else.
Your pain will become bitterness, your anger will become rage, your sadness will become depression, and so on. Sometimes these emotions come about because there is someone we need to forgive. If your ex-partner betrayed you, you have to find a way to forgive, move on, and be free from that pain, but sometimes it is not you that needs to forgive them. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself. Two common reasons you may need to forgive yourself are:
1. You are the one that messed up. Sometimes we mess up something that could have been great for us because we haven’t dealt with old wounds. Perhaps the old wounds you carried from childhood or from a previous relationship came in between your most recent relationship, and now things are over between the two of you because of that. Now you may feel like you will never have a successful relationship, you’re broken, and you feel guilty. You are correct. You will not have a successful relationship if you continue to allow old wounds to come in between what God has for you.
Things may have gone wrong on your end in this relationship, but that is okay. This is an opportunity for you to evolve. Do not allow your emotions to evolve and go from guilt to shame and self-pity. You deserve to be loved, but you need to love yourself more. Your first act of loving yourself is to forgive yourself. I don’t care how many times you messed up. Forgive yourself and face the old wounds. You will grow and be ready next time.
2. You did not listen. A lot of times we have been warned about getting into an unhealthy relationship, but sometimes we don’t listen, and we have to fall flat on our face before we learn our lesson. When this happens, we can become angry with ourselves, wonder how we could be so stupid, wish we had listened, and we can become so consumed with guilt, anger, and shame.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You didn’t listen and most of us don’t, but that does not mean you have to carry so much anger towards yourself. God tells us to forgive and that also means you forgiving you. You may not feel like you deserve forgiveness but you do, and you may not feel like you deserve love, but you do. You are God’s child, and He didn’t put you down here for you to become your biggest critic and to decide what is best for you. He knows what is best, and loving yourself enough to forgive you is what is best. We all make mistakes and you will make more. So take the time now to learn to forgive yourself. It is a part of self-growth and evolving which is a form of self-love.
Process Things
Have you ever gone through one emotion, processed it, felt better, and then felt sad again? This is super annoying, but it is a part of processing. Depending on the depth and length of the relationship, it may take you a while to process everything you have gone through, and that is okay. Do not rush things. Process, then process again, and then process a few more times after.
Rushing things will only require you to start over when you hit a snag again, so take your time. You may not only have to process this relationship, but you may have to process previous relationships if you have not. Going through previous romantic relationships may open doors to hard things you never faced from childhood. This too needs to be processed and addressed.
This may seem overwhelming, and that is why I recommend going through every file with God. Take your time, take breaks, and make sure you have a support system in place. There is nothing wrong with signing up for counseling if you need to. I will be the first to say I have in the past. It was not something I wanted to do, but I am truly glad that I did. You have to do whatever it takes to get you on track. Invest in your mental health. Who cares what others may think? They do not have to live inside your head, so do what is best for you.
Learn to Accept
Finding closure can be hard if your break-up left so many unanswered questions, so what do you do? Well, it depends. Was your ex trustworthy or was your relationship built on lies? Is your ex in a position to answer your questions honestly, or will they avoid taking accountability, make excuses, and lie to you?
If your ex is in a position to be honest with you, ask yourself if you can handle the answer they may give you. Be honest. If you cannot, accept things as they are. God may be protecting you from the answers and closure you seek. You may not be in a position emotionally to handle the answers you want. You may get answers later on and you may not, but for now, be at peace no matter the outcome. If you can handle the answers and your ex is in a position to be able to give you the closure you need in a respectful, mature way, go for it, but remember he or she is your ex for a reason. Do not back peddle.
If your ex is not at the level of maturity to be able to see you deserve the truth, then you have to find closure within yourself. To be honest, they may not have the answers you want. For example, you may want to know why they lied to you or why they cheated if they did. They may not know why they did what they did. Sometimes people do things that are a reflection of their childhood, but they are not aware of their actions. They may know it is wrong, but they may not know why they do what they do. I know that is not the most comforting answer, but sometimes we do things and do not know why, and sometimes when people hurt us, we do not get an apology or closure.
We have no other choice but to accept that. Once you learn to accept things you cannot control, you will be able to move forward and find closure within yourself. Who knows, one day that person may grow to a point where they are able to answer your questions if you ever see them again, but do not wait on a day that may never come. Find closure on your own. You do that by finding peace in what happened. Peace comes from God. Ask Him to give you peace in the unknown. That will be all the closure you need to move forward.
Be Intentional
I cannot stress this enough. You have to be intentional about everything you do in your life. If you want something, you have to be intentional about getting exactly what you want. This includes healing. If you want healing, be intentional about getting healed. If you want to get over and move forward from your ex, be intentional about moving forward. For those of you who are in unhealthy relationship cycles and you want to get out, be intentional about learning the cycle and learning what keeps you in it, so you can face it and get out.
Be intentional about reaching your goals. Increasing your mental health should always be a goal. This means you have to make some changes, but how? Some people want to change and want to be intentional about healing, moving forward, and getting out of bad relationship cycles, but they simply do not know how. Here are a few things you can do.
1. Take the time to get to know you. Knowing your purpose and how you were designed is important and will help you avoid unnecessary relationships. For example, if you know what you like and what makes you feel loved, then you can avoid connecting with someone who will make you feel the opposite. If you enjoy physical affection, hugs, holding hands, kissing, etc., then you will know not to settle for someone who does not.
Get to know you by getting to know your Creator and how He designed you. Fall so in love with yourself to the point where you are happy alone. This does not mean you will not have the desire to share your life with someone. It just means you will not mind waiting until you meet the perfect person for you because you are happy by yourself. Go into your next relationship with the intention of sharing your happiness, not looking for happiness.
2. Get rid of anything that will hold you back. This could be gifts or items that will remind you of that person. If you have things that belong to them, mail those things to that person. Get rid of everything that can possibly give your ex an excuse to contact you. Also, get rid of photos, text messages, etc. Do not be the man or woman that goes back and reads old messages to reminisce. Remember, you are moving forward, not backwards. Once you get rid of everything, delete their number, unfollow them on social media, and block them if you have to.
3. Guard yourself. As you continue to get to know and love yourself, you will heal, you will grow, and you will be happy and become at peace with things. Hold on to everything you learn. You will work hard to forgive, heal, and have peace, so do not allow anyone or anything to take those things from you.
In addition to getting rid of things that will hold you back, you may have to separate yourself from other people as you continue to grow. That is okay. This means you may have to unfollow some people. That is okay. Just remember your peace and everything you work so hard to get is important, so protect it. Find a group of people who are on the same page as you, or a group of people who are on a page you aspire to be on. If you need healing, look for people who are healed. If you need peace, look for people who have peace. Learn from them and watch how they maintain what they have.
4. Connect with someone of the opposite sex that is healthy. Sometimes when you are in a cycle of bad relationships, it may feel like all women are the same, or it may feel like all men are the same. If you never had good examples of healthy men or women in your life, you will most likely go after or settle for what is familiar to you. If the only example of a woman or man you have is someone who is toxic, you will most likely date toxic people because that is all you know of.
Surround yourself with healthy women and men, so you can become familiar with what those types of people look like. That way, when it is time for you to start dating again, you will have them in mind. For example, I used to feel like all black men were the same, so I intentionally sought healthy black men. These are men I personally know, or positive men I follow on social media. So now when I come across unhealthy black men, I know the narrative, “All black men are the same” is a false narrative because I have expanded my horizon and have seen healthy respectable black men.
5. Laugh. Life is hard, but laughter is good for the soul. I intentionally take a break from life and go on social media to find funny videos. I follow people like Kevin on Stage and Ryan Davis who I find funny. Follow people or pages who share funny memes. Watch funny movies or TV shows. Read a funny book or go to a comedy show if they are available in your area. You have to be intentional about the things you need, so carve out time to give you what you need.
Celebrate
While you are processing all that you need to process, life does not stop and wait for you. You still have to go to work, school, take care of your children and family if you have any, etc. Life continues, so you have to continue, which means you have to learn how to balance your life and time. If you have a hard time balancing life, get a planner.
There is a season and time for everything. In this season you may spend more time processing your emotions and that can be hard, so make sure you make time to celebrate you and do something really nice for yourself along the way. Be intentional about planning nice things for yourself. Take yourself out on a date, go to the beach, learn something new, plan a trip, hang out with your friends, find a new hobby, make a new goal, etc. Whatever you do, be intentional about serving you, and try to make this a weekly or biweekly thing. It does not have to be big or cost a lot of money. It just has to be about you. This is your time. You decide what you want to do with your me-time.
What Did You Learn
Remember to take note of everything you learn during your journey. What have you learned about yourself and your relationships? What do you want to change, and what will you do differently next time? Have you noticed how strong you are yet? These are great questions to continue to ask yourself as you continue along the way.
Release Your Emotions, Feed Your Soul and Spirit
Although the soul and spirit are two separate entities, we were created to worship and dwell in God’s presence, but with sin running rampant, we sometimes put our flesh first. When you feel empty, lonely, unfulfilled, etc., your soul may be crying out and yearning for God. Feed your spirit and satisfy your soul. Humble yourself before God and talk to Him. Tell Him how you feel. Do not hold back. He already knows, so you may as well tell Him.
A lot of times we feel bad about how we feel. Some may be mad at God but will never tell Him because they are afraid to or think we are not allowed to be mad at God. We are. You may as well get it off of your shoulders and allow Him to carry the weight. He will not be angry. He may show you why things happened the way they did and help guide you away from your anger.
Find a healthy way to release any negative emotions or thoughts you may have. One way to do that is to listen to music. Words have power. They can make you feel many things. Make a playlist of songs that will help you cope with pain. Remember, you have a spirit, a soul, and flesh. There are different types of music and songs that will either feed your spirit, soul, or flesh, so choose your music wisely. Do not listen to depressing music. It is okay to listen to music you can relate to in order to feel like someone understands, e.g., listening to another artist sing about their break-up. But do not listen to that type of music if it is going to constantly remind you of the break-up.
I remember when I was having a hard time battling depression, and I used to always listen to J. Cole’s Intro to 2014 Forest Hill Drive. His words, “Do you want to be happy” repeated over me. I knew I wanted to be happy, so I fought for it, and I have been consistent ever since. I now listen to that song, and it reminds me of the days I spent crying and depressed. It reminds me of the growth I have put forth over the years. I am in a better place and I thank God.
What songs will you listen to? J. Cole’s song fed my soul. It gave me hope, and it helped push me forward, but listening to songs such as Don’t Pass Me By, by Fred Hammond and The Call, by Isabel Davis fed my spirit. It helped me cry out to God because it is not easy crying out, especially if you were taught not to cry. Allow good music to speak to your soul and spirit. Listen to music that will make you closer to God, hopeful, joyful, etc.
Don’t Get Discouraged
Sometimes we go outside of God’s will and jump into a relationship that was never meant for us to be in, or we did not listen to Him when He told us and showed us no. Again, many of us have done this before. Forgive yourself and carry on, but realize that when you go outside of God’s will, you have to put in work to be where He needs you to be.
When I say work, I mean allowing Him to heal you and prepare you emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. Yes, it will be difficult going through the pains and traumas that have left you broken. Yes, it may take time, and yes, you may get impatient and make mistakes along the way. It will hurt and you will become frustrated, but if you continue to put in the work with God and those He sends you, you will come out a better person. You will come out healthy and whole, and you will come out having everything He needs you to have in order to handle the blessing He has for you.
The man or woman God has for you is a blessing, but you have to prepare for it. God will not give you His best if you are not working towards being your best, and no, that does not mean you will be perfect. It just means you will be mature enough to handle what He has for you.
Even though this post specifically addresses emotions from a break-up, you can always use these tips to apply them to other relationships. I hope this helps you. If it has, let me know by commenting below and do not forget to subscribe.
Love,
Jaz ❤️❤️❤️
Loving
Yourself
Is
Beautiful
