Controlling Your Emotions

A part of being human is having emotions. Many people tend to deny their emotions or pretend they do not exist. But we were all created by an emotional God, so it is only befitting for Him to create us emotional as well. We may feel love, happiness, sadness, excitement, anger, fear, guilt, resentment, etc. But what would the world look like if we all were better at controlling our emotions? Would the world be a better place? What would your life be like if you could control your emotions? Would your life be better? Would you feel a lot more positive? How about your relationships? Would they be better? They likely would. 

If you struggle with your emotions, please consider the tips below to help you control the emotions that make you feel negative. But before I give you my tips, I think it’s important to know where your emotions come from and why you should control them. 

Where Our Emotions Come From

When God created us, He gave us a soul and spirit wrapped in flesh. Our spirit is what connects us to Him. It is how we are able to communicate with Him or have an intimate relationship. Our soul is who we are, the good, the bad, the ugly. Our soul is where we have our emotional experiences. 

This is where phrases like, “My soul cried out,” or “My soul yearns,” etc., etc. come from. It is important to note that God gave us a soul for a reason. He created us in His image. He created us to feel just like He does. But if we do not allow our spirit, when in communication with God, to intervene, we can make emotional decisions which may lead us down a road we’re not prepared for. 

Why We Must Control Our Emotions

It is important to control your emotions before they control you. People have made mistakes that could have been avoided, but they were too emotional. Some have made horrible mistakes that have cost them their freedom and the lives of others because they made an emotional decision. People have killed others because they were filled with rage. Some have gained weight due to emotional eating because they were depressed. Some have had sex with multiple people because they don’t feel loved. While others have missed the opportunity of building a healthy relationship because they had a bad attitude. And some get into an unhealthy relationship, but it felt good so they stayed. 

Operating out of your emotions will always have its potential consequences. We now live in a society that praises, shares memes, and videos of people acting out and doing what feels good to them, so how do you learn to control your emotions? 

Respect Your Emotions

Emotions get a bad reputation. Some men and women were taught it is wrong to cry. We suppress how we truly feel because we want to appear “unbothered.” We deny our pain and how we truly feel in hopes we can move on with our lives and be happy. 

Sometimes we bury our grief in work, school, food, porn, sex, drugs, money, men, women, romantic relationships, etc. only to realize we still have the same issues because our emotions were never dealt with. They have only intensified and evolved. 

That sadness you once experienced has now evolved into depression. The conviction you once felt has now evolved into guilt and shame. That anger you felt is now bitterness and resentment. Then you began to wonder why you can’t keep friends. You then begin to wonder why you cannot keep a job, a wife, a husband, why your relationships never last, and why you feel so bothered inside. 

It is because your spirit, that was created to communicate with God, is bothered. It grieves and needs attention, but you will never be on the right path if you never respect your emotions or how you feel. Every time you deny your emotions and say you are “unbothered,” you deny yourself of being human. You also deny your soul and how you were created. 

Respect how you were created and accept the fact that you have emotions. You have feelings. That woman that you claim means nothing to you, hurt you and it’s okay. That man that doesn’t deserve your tears, so you refuse to cry over him, hurt you and it’s okay. We cannot control our feelings when they come. We can only control what we decide to do with them. But until you accept that part of you, you will always run rampant making emotional decisions. 

Decide Whether You Want to Control Your Emotions

I will be the first to admit being in your feelings can sometimes feel good. It feels good “not to care.” It feels good to be angry, to be petty, and to have an attitude. These things feel good because they feed your ego. 

I once met someone who continued to remind her husband of the pain he caused her. She wanted to continue to remind him, so he would feel awful and apologize over and over again. I am sure that felt good to her. It felt good to hear him continue to apologize and to see him feel awful, but she was wrong. 

It was not fair for him to continue to apologize for something she “forgave” him for. She continued feeding her ego instead of healing and controlling her emotions. You have to decide whether you want to be angry, sad, depressed, etc. all the time or if you want to put in the work to heal and control your emotions. 

Take Ownership of Your Emotions

This one may come off as harsh but follow along and hopefully, you will get my point. Have you ever met someone who changed their attitude when certain people came around? Maybe your mom or dad became nice to you when guests came over to your house? Maybe they were really nice to your friends, but when the guest would leave, their true self would come out. Or maybe you have gone to a store or restaurant and was treated poorly by an employee because they were frustrated with something else.

This can occur when people do not take ownership of their emotions. When people feel comfortable being negative in front of you, they will not hold back. For example, the parent that is nice in front of guests, but horrible behind closed doors, is not afraid of showing their true self with their child. 

Unfortunately, they may take their frustrations out on their child instead of dealing with their emotions. This is the parent that comes home and complains about a fork being in the sink. This is the employee that is having a difficult time at home and comes to work taking it out on the customers. Or the husband that comes home and beats his wife and the wife that complains and nags about every little thing. And the woman or man that do not like themselves and are unhappy with life, so they take it out on other people. 

Take ownership of your emotions. They are not your children’s, your wife’s, your husband’s, your coworker’s, the customers, your mom’s, your dad’s, etc. They are yours. Yes, your negative emotions may have been caused by a number of the people mentioned. It may not even be your fault for feeling how you feel. But life is ugly sometimes, and we all have to deal with it. 

Do not place your emotions on someone else because you do not want to take ownership and deal with them. It is not fair to make someone feel bad because you feel bad. If you want better relationships with people and to have a more fulfilling life, take ownership of how you feel and deal with your emotions. 

Learn to Be In Tune With Your Emotions

So how exactly do you deal with your emotions? Being in tune with how you feel is one way. When you feel something, do not ignore it. Acknowledge it, decide whether your emotion is valid or not (I will go more in-depth about this below), and release it. 

You can release it by simply letting it go if it is not a valid feeling or crying, exercising, painting, singing, writing, yelling outside in the woods to yourself, venting to God, etc., etc. You have to find a way that is healthy to deal with your emotions, a way that does not involve eating, sex, porn, fighting, taking your pain out on people, etc. 

Give yourself time to deal with how you feel. It may take some time and that is okay. It may get frustrating, but again, we cannot control our emotions when they come. We can only control what we do with them. If you are going through a horrible break up, give yourself time to adjust.

Any change that occurs in your life takes time to adjust. This can be a good change or a hard change. A person that moves to a different state has to give themselves time to change. They may feel out of place for some time. A person that has just gone through a break-up must do the same. The time that was once filled with a person you may have thought would always be there is now time that is unfulfilled. You may read this as a void, and you may search for things to take his or her place while trying to feel how he or she once made you feel. That is normal, but it is a feeling that needs to be controlled. There are many healthy ways to feel loved, good, etc., etc.

Decide Whether What You Feel is Valid or Invalid 

Sometimes we feel things that are not true. Maybe someone said something and it really bothered you, but it was just a miscommunication. That is why it is important to be honest with how you are feeling. 

One time a friend of mine stopped talking to me out of nowhere. I didn’t understand, and I tried to reach out to her. It took me weeks to finally get a hold of her. I asked her why she stopped talking to me. She told me it was because of something I said. Long story short, she learned she misunderstood what I said to her and was upset for no reason. Her feelings were not based on something valid, and she harbored that pain around for absolutely no reason.

Sometimes we harbor feelings that are rooted in false perceptions. Sometimes it is because of a miscommunication, or sometimes it is because of a false belief we have about ourselves. We tell ourselves we aren’t worthy of things, we aren’t good enough, we aren’t loved, etc., etc., but what does God say about you? And if you do not know what He has to say about you, open a Bible and find out. 

Those feelings are not rooted in validity. Although they may hurt, we have to get to a place where we are speaking the truth over ourselves even if it takes time for us to believe it. If someone ever tells you-you are something and God says you are not, who are you going to believe even if that someone is you? I hope you believe God because we even lie to ourselves sometimes.

Be Intentional About Your Needs

Everyone has needs, and I do not mean sex. Sex is not a need, but it is something you can do to fulfill a need. And it will successfully fulfill that need if it is done the right way. Many times we use things like sex, food, money, etc. to fulfill our emotional needs. These things, sex, food, money, etc., were not specifically intended for that purpose. But many of us will try to use “things” to satisfy our emotional needs, and it always leaves us feeling empty or worse off than we felt before, or we may experience temporary fulfillment.

Some of us continue to use “things” to fulfill our emotional needs because we sometimes do not know any better. We try to fulfill our needs with the only things we know of. For example, if an alcoholic is having a bad day, he or she will turn to the only thing they know, alcohol.

I tend to look at my emotions or that part of me (my soul) as a separate entity. God is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. He is one God, but He has separate entities that serve different purposes. I look at myself in the same light. I am one person, but I look at my spirit, soul, and flesh as different entities. They all serve a different purpose. 

My spirit is what communicates with God’s Spirit. My soul is who I am, my mind, my emotions, etc., and my flesh is my body. I cannot feed my flesh with fruits and veggies and believe my spirit has been fulfilled. They each require and deserve individual attention. The problem is, many of us give our flesh more attention than our spirit and soul. When our spirit and soul become bothered, we try to fulfill what they are lacking by giving them things that will only fulfill our flesh. 

You have to be intentional about what your emotional or soul needs are. Remember, our emotions come from God. If you need love, He is love. If you need peace, comfort, etc. He can supply those things to you. And note, He can allow you to have emotional experiences through other things He has created, but you have to recognize He is the ultimate source. Do not get caught up in finding your emotional needs through the resources God provides and not through the Source, Himself. We have to learn to be balanced in knowing when to choose the Source (God) VS the resources HE provides (romantic partner, family, friends, food, etc.) for our emotional needs.

Also, since your soul is who you are, you need to give yourself some attention. That does not require anyone else. That simply requires you to get to know you and doing things for yourself. What are your hobbies? What are your goals? Who do you want to be? What will make you better? What will make your soul thrive? Take yourself out on a date. Learn something new about you. Love yourself. This is what gives the soul life. When you are feeling down about something, don’t ignore your soul crying out. Give it some attention. If someone hurt you and they ignored your feelings, wouldn’t that make you feel worse? So why ignore your own feelings?

Reclaim Your Power

You have to reclaim your power when you have been hurt by healing. Your hurt could be due to a bad break-up, the betrayal of a friend or family member, etc. If you see or think of that person and you have nothing but negative thoughts about them, you did not reclaim your power. If you allow hatred to grow in your heart because of that person, you have not reclaimed your power. That person has most likely moved on and is living their life. Meanwhile, you have not healed and are still allowing the effects of what happened to hold you back from enjoying your life completely. You might say, “Oh, I’m fine and have moved on. I just don’t want anything to do with that person. I don’t want to see them. They mean nothing to me, etc., etc., etc.” You have not reclaimed your power. 

If it is a man that has hurt you and now you view all men the same, you have not reclaimed your power. If it is a woman that has hurt you and now you view all women the same, you have not reclaimed your power. You may have been hurt by a black man or woman, and now you view all black men and women the same. You have not reclaimed your power. If you are afraid of making new friends because you were hurt by a previous friendship, you have not reclaimed your power. 

Your emotions are still invested and tied up into that person(s). Be intentional about healing from your past wounds. The only way I know how to heal is to show your battle scars to Jesus. Just like you, I have been hurt many times by friends, family members, etc. For the longest time, I did not show my scars to God. I hid them in food and other things that satisfied the flesh. I began to heal when I cried out to God and gave my soul and emotions attention.

Protect Yourself

As J. Cole once said, “Fool me one time, shame on you. Fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you. Fool me three times…” Okay, no, don’t load a chopper and make it rain on anyone lol, but protect yourself. The Bible tells us to guard our hearts because everything we do flows from it, Proverbs 4:23. 

You leave yourself exposed when you do not guard your heart. That is why you cannot give yourself to just anyone. You cannot just allow anyone into your space. This includes family. I know many people say, “Family is all we got.” Nah… If your family is toxic and you are not able to reconcile the relationship, you are allowed to separate yourself from them as much as you can. Always, always forgive and be respectful to people, but please set boundaries where they are needed. 

Do not allow your heart to grow bitter and cold. Pray for those who have offended you. This is how you guard your heart. Allow God’s love to flow through your heart, and do not put yourself at any risk of being hurt. If you know that friend is not good for you, part ways in peace. If you know that your girlfriend or boyfriend has negative intentions, part ways in peace. 

We all have so many things to deal with on a daily basis that are out of our control, so for the things you can control and you know are not good for you, do right by getting rid of them. This is an act of self-love. Do not add more to your plate than you can bear. You can do this by limiting yourself to things you do not have to put up with. Make a list of things you are not willing to deal with or do not have the power or energy to handle. Stick to your list and do not compromise your mental health. Become familiar with your list and when situations on that list come across your path, do not engage. 

Dealing with your emotions can be hard, but over time you will grow and be able to manage them a lot better. This is Mental Health Awareness Month, so invest in your mental health and learn to control your emotions. Trust me, you will really be unbothered by many things, and it is a great feeling, but anyways, blessings!

Love,
Jaz

To learn more about the differences between the spirit and soul click here.